i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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