i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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