I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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