turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
