his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
