dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
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I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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