When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
