Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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