Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
