my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
