Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
