I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
