Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
