I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
