So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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