I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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