woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
