I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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