Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
