Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
