So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
