Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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