she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
