she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
