Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
