Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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