Do you still have your period?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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