What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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