the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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