Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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