Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
