Got a toothbrush?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
