dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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