that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
