He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
be right there i have to get my cape
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.