Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
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I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
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I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.