the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.