bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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