i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
