M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
