it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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