i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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