I am in a vortex of obligation.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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