I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
