So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.