I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.