You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over