the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...