so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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