david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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