I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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