I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
