I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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