there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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