I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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