I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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