If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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