Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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