Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
