I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
